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But I’m a Christian, I shouldn’t struggle with depression or mood disorders….

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I have said this for years!!! Growing up I have heard, just give it to God, pray more, “don’t worry”, have faith, and the list goes on.  Fo so long I felt like something was really wrong with me, why can’t I be normal?  Why do I struggle with anger outbursts?  Why do I struggle with depression?  I have prayed, I have pleaded, I have read the books, cried out to God, etc. etc. HOWEVER – It’s still there. So many women (and men) struggle with depression and mood disorders and feel like they must not be doing something right, that as a christian “Christ should be enough” Don’t get me wrong, He is sufficient and He is enough, but that does not mean that you can’t struggle with these disorders.  This tends to be a “secret” struggle in the church.  People are afraid to admit they struggle in this area, they are afraid people will judge them if they admit it.  That is how I used to feel…

For about 15 years I have had a daily struggle with angry outbursts, depression and postpartum depression. I have had to deal with Sooo much guilt and shame for the way I have reacted and spoken to family members.  Thank the Lord for his grace, forgiveness and peace, and for a new start every day.  I have also come to terms with the fact that God may not take this away, I may have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I pray every day that the Lord will make my children “forget” the times when I have been an unreasonable/difficult parent, that He would allow my husband to forgive me for the times that I have lashed out…Why am I sharing this you ask?

Some people look at me and think, “she has it all together” WRONG!!! There have been some VERY dark moments, times when I did not feel like He could lift me out of the muck, that I could not go on.  It is those dark times that have molded me and have helped make me who I am today.  I am an imperfect child of God who clings daily to Him and has to daily turn to Him and ask for His strength to help me in this area, to give me the joy that only He can give, to help me control my tongue.  I FAIL OFTEN!! But there He is to pick me up again and give me the strength to keep going.  I would like to encourage women out there who struggle with these issues to not remain silent anymore, I would like to encourage those that give well-meaning advice to people who struggle with depression about just praying, just turn it over to God, to realize WE DO, and that He may not take this from us, and not to judge.  Realize you are not alone out there, there is nothing wrong with you, you are a beautiful child of God, and He wants to do GREAT things in and through you despite your earthly weaknesses.  I would like to encourage people, not to be afraid to seek help, sometimes counseling and prayer is not enough, you may need medication, do not be afraid to get the help that you need!

I have come to terms that this may be my “thorn” as Paul mentions below:

7 even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

I don’t know why God has not taken this away from me, but I know He loves me as I am and that He has great plans and that He will still use me. I love the song below, it was a song that Natalie Grant wrote when she was dealing with her own struggle of eating disorders, but really speaks to me about how He sees the real me!

Foolish heart looks like we’re here again Same old game of  plastic smile don’t let anybody in Hiding my heartache, will this glass house  break How much will they take before I’m empty Do I let it show, does  anybody know?

But you see the real me hiding in my skin, broken from  within Unveil me completely I’m loosening my grasp There’s no need to mask  my frailty ‘Cause you see the real me

Painted on, life is behind a mask Self-inflicted circus  clown I’m tired of the song and dance Living a charade, always on parade What a mess I’ve made of my existence But you love me even now and still I  see somehow

But you see the real me hiding in my skin, broken from  within Unveil me completely I’m loosening my grasp There’s no need to mask  my frailty ‘Cause you see the real me

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see When you look at me You’re turning the tattered fabric of my life into A perfect tapestry I just  wanna be me

But you see the real me hiding in my skin, broken from  within Unveil me completely I’m loosening my grasp There’s no need to mask  my frailty ‘Cause you see the real me and you love me just as I am Wonderful, beautiful is what you see when you look at me


A Healthy Home

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So…It has been a while since I have blogged, but I have decided to start back up again!! Lately I have had the desire to get healthy, not just with what we put into our bodies food wise, but what is around the house.  I have been doing a TON of research lately and I must say I am a bit frightened by what I have discovered.  The harmful chemicals we clean with, the candles, the laundry detergent we use…I must say I was completely oblivious to all of this.  But in my quest to start eating healthier and buy more organics and grass fed meats, I discovered there were other areas I needed to change as well!! I am in the process of detoxifying our home!  While I may not be able to afford to do it all at once, I am on a journey and am excited about this journey and what it will mean for our family.

Last night Ashley and I started the journey, we made all of our own cleaning prodcuts! She helped me make an all purpose cleaner, toilet cleaner, bathroom cleaner and a deordorizer!

It was fun getting her involved and explaining why I was making my own and not using the ones we had before.  So the first step to detoxifying our home is the cleaning methods.  I also bought a Peace Lilly plant that will help, and will be purchasing some more living plants in the near future.  I am also excited to start making my own beaswax candles, they are very good for the environment, and help in eliminating toxins and other air polutants.   With a son that suffers from a lot of medical conditions that research has linked to some of these environmental issues, I feel it is about time I start educating myself and doing everything I can on my end.

I hope to put a wealth of information on this site regarding what I am learning, and of course sharing some fun ramblings, recipes, encouraging thoughts, lessons and more!!


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